Your Money’s a Mess and It’s All Your Parent’s Fault
But You Need to Clean Up the Mess
I have a little story about sisters Steph and Niki.
They were raised in the same house but ended up with wildly different approaches to managing their finances. Steph deprived herself of much-needed items like a winter coat (or a “parka” for you Canadian folk) for years because she didn’t want to spend the money. Niki uses multiple budgeting docs in Excel, in addition to the money apps she also uses. She obsessively checks all of them throughout the day and still goes over budget every week. She then beats herself up for her bad behavior. Rinse and repeat.
Steph and Niki are not alone in their financial dysfunction. They’re also not alone in how their predicament is tied to their upbringing. Relationships with money are handed down from the people who raise us and often become patterns we repeat.
If you currently find yourself in a bit of a pickle concerning your bank account, it’s natural to think you can budget or spreadsheet your way out of the problem—like our pal Niki. But unfortunately, people tend to repeat the problem if they don’t figure out what habits got them into the mess in the first place. No judgment on the mess. I’ve been where you are, and I’m here to help.
I’d like to encourage you to take a moment to explore what you learned about money as a kid. It requires a bit of work: looking back at your childhood and also calling yourself out on your current spending habits. So, dust off that sequined journal you bought to write down New Year’s resolutions, or start a Google doc if you feel like going the tech-savvy route. Whatever method you use for examining your feelings, that’s what I want you to get ready. Title it “My Relationship with Money” and while you’re at it, use a fancy font and a signature color. You deserve it.
Below are some thought-starter questions. You can answer all of them, some of them, or you can write about that vivid memory you have of the time your mom got laid off and taught you the phrase “extreme budget.” Memories that randomly pop into your head usually aren’t random. Explore those thoughts because they could be your subconscious screaming at you. If writing isn’t your jam, feel free to have a conversation with your bestie or listen to a meditation about money, then ponder what surfaces.
You can’t do this incorrectly unless you don’t do it at all. Here’s what I say: Give yourself this gift because you might realize that your past has been sabotaging your wallet for years. And once you’re aware of the problem, you can make changes.
THOUGHT STARTER QUESTIONS:
What was your parents’ relationship with money?
What were you taught or not taught about money as a kid?
What memories do you have of money as a child?
What emotions were common in your house during financial conversations?
What similarities or differences do you have with your parents when it comes to the state of your bank account?
When I think of savings, I think…
My parents invested in…
Real truth here. This exercise isn’t going to cure you, but it will help you start to see your long-held patterns with money.
On this episode of Well…Adjusting with Niki and Steph, I asked them a lot of these questions to try to get to the bottom of their spending (or not spending) habits. If you’d like to hear that full interview, all you have to do is click HERE. Et voilà!
The common thread for the sisters is guilt around money. It truly is all in the family. But by the end of the episode, they were both aware of the problem, realized they could support each other, and they committed to stepping out of their comfort zones to tackle the issue.
If you take away one thing after answering the questions or listening to this week’s episode, I hope it’s that it’s not your fault you’re in a financial mess, but you can clean it up.
Remember, sometimes drudging through your past can bring up some feelings. I encourage you to reach out to a mental health expert if those feelings are too much. There are also life coaches, financial experts, and friends with MBAs (hopefully not from online schools) that can help you get your ducks in a row.
You’ve got this. I believe in you!
Want more of this convo? Want more Well…Adjusting!
Well…Adjusting is available at https://pod.link/welladjusting or on your favorite podcast platform. And don’t be afraid to follow, rate and review too.
This essay was crossposted on Medium on the editaudio page.