The Reluctant Shopper's Guide to Fashion

Five tips to help you enjoy shopping.

We’re heading on a vacation to Paris next week. Well, it’s a family trip, not a vacation. If you have kids you understand the difference between a family trip and a vacation. Anyway, my wife, Mary, and I have been yammering on and on about the fact that we need an entirely new wardrobe before this trip because our closet consists only of sweatpants and t-shirts that I’ve gotten from my previous jobs. If you saw Mary out of the house, you’d think, “Wow. She must really love Spotify and MTV.”

Normally we wouldn’t care about how we look on a trip. After all, we’ll never see these people again in our whole lives. But, we’re afraid of the French, so we decided to bite the bullet and shop for some new clothes. Keep in mind, Mary and I hate shopping–hate with the heat of 1000 suns. Those stupid stores are designed to make us feel bad. The lights are too bright. The mirrors are too big and too plentiful. The clothes are too small and not stretchy enough. And standing with 14 outfits draped over your arm leads to sciatica pain. I’m not sure exactly what sciatica is, but I know I have it after ten minutes at the mall. But, we had to at least try to find a couple of pairs of pants with zippers and buttons instead of elastic waistbands. 

Much to my surprise, we nailed this trip to our local mall, and I learned a lot about how to make the shopping experience not just palatable, but fun. I knew I had to share my findings with you. 

So here we go.

1. Do you wear glasses? Well, not today you don’t. There’s something to be said for having no idea what you look like in all those mirrors. Bring a trusted friend. They’ll tell you what’s a win and what needs to go directly into that giant pile of rejects by the fitting room door. If you can’t see the outfit that wildly accentuated your muffin top, did it ever really happen? I think not. 

2. Speaking of bringing a friend, bring the nicest friend you’ve got. That means, under no circumstances do you bring the friend who says things like, “Girl you can not pull off those pants.” Then starts laughing so hard she snorts. Instead, bring the friend who says, “That shirt is hot, but maybe it’s just…like too hot? We better put it back so you don’t make people feel bad about themselves.” Even when the shirt looks like this:

3. Make sure you look hot when you head to the mall. If you think to yourself, “I don’t need to look good to go shopping.” Think again. If you want even a chance in hell of walking out of the mall with a shred of self-esteem, you better make sure you showered, got a blowout, and had your makeup done by one of those ladies in a smock at Sephora. It’s the only chance you’ve got. 

4. Resist the urge to diet before the big shopping trip. This one’s a bit counterintuitive. If you diet before shopping, sure you’ll feel less flabby, which can improve confidence. But, that could lead to a feeling of overconfidence. You might feel so good about yourself that you buy some “aspirational” clothes that are just a little snug. You’ll justify the purchase because you’ll think, “Why not? I’ve been so good recently. I’m sure I’ll be able to keep this diet going. These pants are going to look fabulous when I lose five more pounds.” But that’s your big mistake. You’re not factoring in that this trip to the mall is going to make you feel so badly about yourself, that as soon as you leave the last store, you’re going to head straight to the food court and jam three slices of pizza into your mouth while crying. There will be ice cream that follows the pizza, and that will send you on a week-long bender which will cause those “slightly snug pants” to become your “never gonna happen pants.” 

5. Have faith in the process. No matter how hard this trip is on you, no matter how long it takes, you will end up buying clothes that fit and feel nice. Sure, they’re going to be the same sweatpants and t-shirts that you told yourself you were not going to buy today, but at this point, who cares? A few days later, when the whole shopping trip is in the rearview mirror, you’ll feel good about the variety of sweatpants colors that you have to choose from.

So that’s it, friends. You’ve got this. You can handle the mall. But if you find yourself crying in the Uniqlo dressing room,  know that you’re not alone!

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And one last note. There’s no post next week as I’ll be happily wearing my sweatpants and t-shirts all over France, ignoring the scoffs from snotty French folks. Who cares? I’ll never see those people again my whole life.