The Quest for Meaningful Gifting
The Quest for Meaningful Gifting
How the magic of thoughtful gifts can be revived in a world of online shopping.
When I grew up (buckle up I’m starting with stories from my childhood,) holiday shopping was nothing like it is today. We were forced to shop at multiple stores, sometimes multiple malls (remember malls?) We schlepped through Macy’s, Herman’s Sporting Goods, Spencer gifts, lugging cumbersome bags that were definitely going to tear at any moment. We went shopping without knowing exactly what we wanted to get a person which resulted in hours of browsing in jam-packed stores in search of a single item that felt right for Aunt Suzie. Last-minute Larrys braved the shops on Christmas Eve, picking through whatever crap items were left on the racks, in a desperate attempt to finish that holiday shopping list.
As kids, we anxiously waited for the arrival of the Sears and JCPenney holiday catalogs. Those glossy mags were hundreds of pages, filled with colorful toys that you had to have. My sister and I spent hours pouring over those catalogs like we were studying for the bar exam. We used markers to circle the items we wanted and folded over the corner of pages in hopes our parents would intuit our favorite items, and they would magically appear under the tree.
It was not a streamlined process, but it was joyful, exciting, and filled with anticipation.
I have to admit that today the gift-giving process is more convenient. I haven’t stepped foot in a store to buy a present since the days when democracy was stable. If you can’t think of what to get someone, we have the internet to help us. This week, I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas and he said, “Hold on.” Then he swiveled his desk chair toward his computer and typed in “gifts for teenage boys.”
On the regular, we’re served Instagram ads for products that we only thought about while sleeping. We don’t question the fact that we never told anyone we wanted that lovely white knit sweater, but somehow a company (based in China) sent us a video of people who look just like us wearing that very sweater.
Corporations have expanded shopping deals from Black Friday to Cyber Monday, which I noticed has recently shifted to “Cyber Week” with sales running into December. I’m not mad at the sales. The skeptic in me wonders if all the prices were raised last month so they could be slashed after Turkey Day, but the practical part of me doesn’t give a crap because my wife needs a new winter coat and Lands End served me 60% off coupon on a puffer jacket that even she couldn’t be cold in. During Cyber Week, I spent less money on gifts for Christmas than I did on stuff we need like new tennis shoes for your gal, Robin, and that cool hair dryer brush combo thingy that I had to have.
We now live in a world of gift-gifting lists. My tech-savvy daughter created a Google doc for the family so everybody can put their items into their section with hyperlinks to where each gift can be ordered. She created a color-coded, highlighting, and capitalization system to delineate which items she “most def” wants, as the kids today say. (Do they still say that? Did they ever say that?) She even retitles the doc for her birthday, deleting previously purchased items, and rolling over the ones she still wants. It’s her version of the JCPenny catalog.
I freaking love her organization, but I can’t help but feel like all the lists and online inspiration and Amazon have sucked the joy out of gift-giving.
I now live in fear of going “off-list” when buying gifts for my kids. I’ve caught myself saying things almost apologetically like, “So…I bought a couple of things that I thought you’d like. Now, they’re not on your list. Wait! I promise, if you don’t like them, we can return them and you can have credit for something you didn’t get.”
Have I lost the ability to buy something, from my heart, that makes me think of my kids?
I get it– no one wants to see that disappointed look when you give a gift and someone is underwhelmed, especially with kids. One of my kids, who shall not be named, tries their best to not show disappointment, but lord have mercy, we can all see it. I can’t blame them. There’s an infamous Christmas in my family where my mom was in her own time zone (hello gallons of Ernest and Julio Gallo wine.) That year, I got multiple packages filled with socks. I was in college, so maybe I should have been grateful for nice, wool socks, but I wasn’t. In fairness to my mom, I don't think she realized she bought so many packets of socks (as noted earlier–the wine.) We ended up laughing over it, but still, socks...
Is the solution to the overwhelming pressure of gifting that we all make lists and we order things off those lists? Eventually, shipping presents directly to the person and saying, “Oh hey, can you wrap that for me?” I’m guilty of that. We’re one step away from sending our loved ones $50 and yelling out, “Go buy yourself something pretty, hon!”
I don't want to sound like the old man who yells, “Hey kids! Get off my lawn!” But back in the day, there was something exciting about the moment a package arrived with wrapped presents from a distant relative. You had no idea what it might be because they hadn’t seen the family's JCPenny catalog. It could be anything!
I’m aware that none of this rant takes into account that it’s significantly more expensive to ship packages these days (why? I don’t know) or the fact that life is busier than ever before. But, I can’t help but feel like something has been lost in all the “progress.” The joy, the anticipation, and the wonder of opening packages have evolved into numbered gifts from least exciting or monetary value to most so we don’t end on a lame present. Back in the day, it was common practice that some of your gifts would be clothes, pajamas, or random things you needed. Every package wasn’t an Xbox.
What’s to be done about our gift-giving dilemma?
Well, I don’t think I have the answers to global consumerism, but here are a few things we’re going to implement this year in hopes of bringing back some of the holiday spirit.
Lists be damned. Ok. that’s not quite true. I am ordering many items from my kid’s spreadsheet, but I am also ordering “off-list” for ⅓ to ½ of their gifts. If they want to return these items, I vow to take it in stride and know I tried. But I am damn well going to throw in a thoughtful gift or three for them this holiday season.
Experiences are where it’s at. Mary and I need nothing, so we’ve decided to get each other experience gifts. I’m not talking about a coupon for a “day to myself” that no one will ever redeem. Instead, tickets must be purchased, reservations must be made and holds shall be put in the calendar for events we will do together in January or February. I’m also trying it with the kids. Instead of Mary paying for the Bliss Lemon & Sage Body Lotion on behalf of my kids, I added an item to the list and assigned it to my daughter (I do love a Google doc.) “One-hour makeup tutorial for women over 40.” You better believe I was detailed in what that girl will need to learn about makeup and then teach me because Mama needs to hide some crow’s feet.
Where’s the gratitude? When my son started getting worried that his holiday might be ruined because he couldn’t think of anything he wanted, I took that opportunity to point out that he’s in an incredibly privileged position. How fortunate you are to have all that you need and all that you want. Is a 12-year-old capable of understanding that privilege? Maybe. Maybe not. But, it is an opportunity to talk about all that we have to be thankful for.
So, here’s what I know.
I can’t fix what gift-giving has become. I can’t get bogged down in my nostalgic memories from the 70s and 80s, grumbling about the good old days. Instead, I can try some new things. I can try to find joy in looking for gifts that make me smile when I think of the other person. And I can remember that everything can be returned.