Navigating the Teenage Years: Lessons from the OWP Squad
Parenting with humor, heart, and the collective wisdom of older, wiser parents.
The other night, my daughter plopped down on my bed and started talking about her day. I was so excited to see her. Anyone with a nearly 15-year-old knows that the moments when they don’t have their face in a phone are few and far between. Everything was lovely, we were laughing like we did when she was 11, and that’s when she said, “Mama? I wanted to ask you something.”
I sighed because I thought she had come into the room to catch up with me. I sighed because that question meant, I’m about to ask you for something you will not want me to do.
I took a deep breath and remembered that she was in high school. Watching your kid go from middle school to high school feels exactly like whiplash. Well, I can’t say exactly since I’ve never had whiplash, but I think we can all go with this assumption. One minute you have a young teen, perhaps a bit naive, but very cute, bubbly, and chatty. Then, seemingly overnight, she is transformed into “Girl in Room with Door Closed.”
This was our daughter’s third request to do an activity that required a level of freedom that we were not at all comfortable granting. But that’s not the only problem. A big part of the whiplash is trying to figure out if we should say yes or no, and we have no time to figure that question out because the requests are coming faster than weight gain during menopause.
When kids are babies, toddlers, and into elementary school, milestones tell you how your kid is doing, but also help parents gauge what is age-appropriate behavior. There is constant feedback from doctors, daycare providers, and teachers about your child’s physical development and social-emotional growth. Oh, how I love a goal and target date to let me know that my kids are on track.
As they grow up, and they head deeper into the teen and high school years, milestones and “rights” and “wrongs” seem much more elusive and subjective. For me, this new phase of parenting feels like I am standing in a well-lit room and then someone walks in and puts scarves over all the lamps, creating a viby scene, sure, but also a scene where I need to pull out the old iPhone and turn on the flashlight to see.
I’ve been floundering a bit these days with when to say yes and when to say no. Yes, I have gut instincts, but the initial instinct is to yell, “Nope! Stay home. It’s warm and safe here. We’ll watch movies. Who wants popcorn?”
I have to breathe through that first impulse for a lot of reasons. It’s not good for my kids, but it's also not good for me. I want them to go to college, move out of the house, and have lovely lives, and then I want to use their rooms for a den for me and an art studio for Mary. Yes, we’ll keep a bed in there for visits. We’re not complete animals.
After a few moments, I have more rational thoughts about what’s right for my kids. My boundaries, though, may be entirely different from what other parents allow, so doubt creeps in. It’s difficult to check your parenting decisions. Dr. Spock's books are written for problems like “what to do for a rash?” But they are not written for “what to do when your teenager wants to go to a party at an abandoned warehouse in Bushwick?”
I met a woman once who talked about surrounding herself with OWLs (older, wiser, lesbians) for access to that sage advice that comes from elders’ lived experiences. I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently when it comes to parenting, and I realize that I inadvertently surrounded myself with OWPs (sometimes Older, but definitely Wiser Parents.) I know. OWPs is a name that sounds like something you come down with when you don’t get the vaccine, but I’m here to report that OWPs are mission-critical as a parent.
What I know about parenting is that it’s fucking hard. There is no other way to say it. Parenting is fucking hard. There are so many factors out of your control like health, peer pressure, and social media. Also, these kids seem to have a mind of their own when it comes to what they want to do. The nerve. As they get older, the roadmap for parents disappears, leaving us with nothing more than instincts and hope that we’ve taught them well, and they’ll make good decisions.
But, we need to remember that we have more than just instincts and hope. We have the OWPs who have gone before us. They valiantly parented and made it to the other side (or as close to the other side as anyone ever gets.) They went through their teenage and college years and lived to talk about it. So I’ve decided to lean into my OWPs as we face these difficult decisions, like my daughter’s most recent ask.
I’m not going to tell you what she asked to do, though I really want to because it’s pretty darn funny. But, my daughter’s reached an age where she may google me and my little musings and then call me from her bedroom yelling, “Mooooooom!” I have to respect that she may want some privacy.
I will say this, though, I had my instincts that this was not an ask we should approve. My wife, Mary and I talked it over, thankfully we were on the same page. Knowing I was facing a hard conversation, I phoned an OWP and asked their advice. We chatted for the entirety of my morning walk. She shared what she went through with her three sons, two of whom have graduated from college and the third who is in college now. She shared the times when the adorable, trustworthy middle son duped her. She reinforced my gut instinct. She gave me advice on how to have the conversation with my daughter to take some of the emotions out of it. And when I said, “So then I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry.’” She piped up immediately and said, “Well. I think I’d say ‘I’m sorry you’re disappointed,’ but I wouldn’t apologize for parenting and protecting them from problems they aren’t able to see yet.”
That was an important distinction for me.
A few days later, we talked to our daughter. It was a fairly straightforward conversation. I didn’t say too much, but I did clearly state what our boundaries are for her at this age. There was disappointment, but I was able to walk away and know in my heart that we made the right decision.
I know there will be billions more hard decisions that we’ll have to face in the next few years. I’m nervous. I’m worried. But I know it’s doable with the support of my OWPs.
I am, however, accepting submissions for new names because OWP is just not cutting it. Leave your ideas in the comments!