Everything Is Terrible, Let’s Clean a Drawer
Fun-size ways to pretend you’re in charge of your life again.
There’s so much to worry about in the world today. It’s starting to feel like we’ve somehow fallen into a Billy Joel / REM mashup.
Politics, pandemics, climate change, tariffs, inflation, egg prices, politics, fluoride fights, trans rights, gut health, Lexapro, billionaire rocket flights, Katy Perry’s everything, out-of-stock Ozempic, hot flashes, weird moles, microplastics in your bloodstream. And everyoneeeee chews way too loudly.
If that’s not enough, we’re in that weird time called May, where we’re desperate to be outside after being cooped up for the winter, but it rains all damn day long. My kids are sick of school and ready to move on, but there are still AP tests, finals, and state test exams.
So, what are we to do?
Maybe we need to let the Universe know we’re taking our power back. Can that be done? Absolutely not, but should we try anyway? Hell yeah. It’s like that exercise where you pretend to laugh, and eventually, you end up laughing for real. Perhaps if we pretend to have the power, we’ll feel powerful again.
I mean, it’s worth a try, right?
I’ve been pondering this for a bit now, and I’ve come up with some options for us all to try:
Deep-clean one drawer and pretend that counts as turning your whole life around. You have to be strategic here. Choose the drawer that you use most often. Hopefully, that’s your underwear drawer because if it’s not, well, we should talk. Every time you open that drawer, bask in the glory of this accomplishment. When people complain to you about how they’re struggling with their life, be that person who says things like, “Listen, friend. It’s all about taking care of the small things.”
Eat lunch in your car in total silence and pretend you’re at a wellness retreat. When your coworker says, “Oh, hey you! How was lunch? Where did you get off to?” Instead of rage screaming, “None of your goddamn business, Bob!” Simply say, “Oooh, I found a local spa that offers lunch treatments. But it’s very exclusive, so I can’t share their info.” Then, jauntily walk back to your workstation. One point for you, negative five for Bob.
Google “how to meditate” and then scroll Instagram for 45 minutes. This one is pretty self-explanatory. From what I understand, meditation works very much like the process of osmosis or, like they used to say on that infomercial for that Ronco rotisserie oven, “Set it and forget it!”
Make a spreadsheet you don’t need, just to feel like a functioning adult. Don’t actually track anything. Just spend 45 minutes adjusting column widths, setting up conditional formatting, and color-coding headers. The spreadsheet isn’t a tool, it’s a vibe. And honestly, how things are going, you will need it soon for the mounting costs of basic survival. After you’ve completed said spreadsheet, pat yourself on the back, grab something out of the fridge high in protein (because TikTok swears it will fix your achy knees), and consider a career in accounting. Then dismiss it because you’re destined for way bigger things.
Hide in the bathroom because most people will leave you alone there. If you live in a one-bathroom home like I do, you’ll have to get creative. I find phrases like, “Oooh, those enchiladas didn’t sit well,” work quite well for buying more alone time.
Respond to an email from your work nemesis with the phrase “Per my last email.” You’ll know what that means, and so will they.
Put your phone in a drawer and live in the moment. It doesn’t matter that both you and I know you are definitely going to take it right back out of that drawer because you need to google the actor in that Netflix show you’re watching. You know you know him from somewhere. What show was he in? It’s driving you crazy. Anyway, what matters is that you tried.
These are just some starter ideas for you to give a whirl, and if they don’t work, I’m hearing great things about saffron supplements from my friend who takes all the supplements. Put that on your list as well.
We’ve got this, friends!
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So, speaking of mental health and the fact that none of us are exactly thriving right now, this month on my podcast, Well…Adjusting, we're going all in for Mental Health Awareness Month. We’ve got three episodes dedicated to the glorious mess of our minds.
First up: Ask a Therapist Anything—where we invited a brilliant, very funny therapist to answer all the questions you've been too afraid (or too tired) to ask. Then there’s Do I Really Need a Therapist? where Aurora breaks down the classic internal battle of “I’m self-aware enough to fix myself…right??” (Um, maybe, but also maybe not.)
Next week, we’re dropping Facing Depression Head-On. Matt’s raw, honest convo about recurring depression, resisting numbing habits, and learning to sit with the hard stuff without immediately trying to “fix” it.
If your brain feels like it’s buffering lately, come hang with us over at the Well…Adjusting. Episodes drop every Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts.